Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize