You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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