We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
