...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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