i jhust puked up my retainher.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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