Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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