ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
