My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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