If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize