Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
