I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
