I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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