If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
