thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
