This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
