and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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