When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
