we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
