Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
