you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You are the jesus of drinking
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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