I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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