I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
