tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
