Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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