HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
this hospital has no fireball
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
