I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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