The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
