nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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