Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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