Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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