I can text with my tongue
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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