She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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