I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
