I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
