If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You may now shotgun with the bride
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You ruined the universe
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
