Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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