I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
