a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
