I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
