So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
