Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
