no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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