she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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