i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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