i'm signing you up for texting rehab
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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