i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
