my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
