1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
