Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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