We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Is it because I queefed?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
