mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
