i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
