I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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