it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
