took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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