the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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