You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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