Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
