she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize