Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Even my vagina gasped.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
