I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
